Never good enough.

I know that my fiance will always want a woman who is thinner than me, with bigger breasts, and that he’s less attracted to me than to women like that.

It makes me feel horrible. Not because he’s a bad man, but because he’s a really, really, really good man.

The culture he grew up in made him one way, and it’s damned me to only ever second-best.

Does that make sense?

9 comments on “Never good enough.

  1. Bee says:

    SHITE.

    That sucks, BL, I am so sorry. You’re such an amazing woman and I can’t understand why should YOU be ANYONE’s second best… it just doesn’t compute.

    P.S. Do you know for sure or is it just a “I’m-having-a-bad-body-image-day” hunch?

  2. Bri says:

    Oh honey. I don’t think I could deal with that, being with a man who I knew for sure didn’t find my body type most attractive. My husband isn’t attracted to thin women so I am lucky there. But then, I wouldn’t be with him if he didn’t find me attractive so I guess it is more than luck. Have you been able to talk to your man about how you feel in regard to this?

    *hugs*

  3. violetyoshi says:

    I don’t know what to say. I would rather not have a man than have one that felt I was their second choice, or their compromising choice. You’re awesome, and I don’t know cause I’m not really experienced in relationships. I would hope I’d say, “Screw you then, I’ll find a man who truely loves me!”

  4. BigLiberty says:

    Wow, yikes. I was DEFINITELY having a bad body image day last night — eek!

    DF does love me, and is a wonderful man. It’s not that I’m a second-best sort of person, it’s just that I know he was raised to find a particular body the most attractive, and I don’t possess that particular body.

    Perhaps it is that I desire to be perfect for him — he is attracted to me, no doubt of that! — and the root of this problem is more in my own struggle for self-acceptance than anywhere else.

    Actually, now that I think of it, he’s not exactly attracted to the standard current cultural ideal of beauty. He doesn’t mind that I’m taller than he is. He likes my big butt. :)

    Chalk this one up to a late night, and one too many chocolate milk & vodkas. ;)

  5. violetyoshi says:

    I hear ya, I don’t drink but if I stay up too late to where my mind starts to fall asleep before my body does, I’ll get sort of negative too. I think it might be an Aspie thing to overthink things way too much, sounds like that’s what happened with you.

  6. phledge says:

    I think I know where you are. Mr Phledge loves me, no doubt, and he has never (well, except that one time) expressed any issues over my weight or my body. But I do sense that Teh Patriarchy has convinced him that my weight’s something he should just endure, rather than embrace and celebrate, and to be quite frank I’m not at that magical place either. So I don’t really feel like I can call him out on it at this point. But sheesh, I need to wean him off the porn.

  7. BigLiberty says:

    violet,

    I’ve always had a problem with overthinking things, true! I need to know exactly the shape of my world, the people in it, and what I can expect for the present and future, in order to be comfortable. Of course — as an Aspie gets older — she realizes that this is impossible. lol ;)

    phledge,

    “But I do sense that Teh Patriarchy has convinced him that my weight’s something he should just endure, rather than embrace and celebrate..” — hit the nail on the head. Isn’t that the problem with this fallacious ‘attraction’ argument the fat-haters make, anyway? That men are just inherently attracted to X, Y, and Z, though studies have shown by the age of three kids have begun to internalize fat-hating messages and are least likely to want to be friends with a fat kid out of any demographic?

    A future post of someone’s has to address this “inherent attraction” issue. I for one remember the biggest cultural influences in my life as a kid were my classmates, Nickelodeon, Star Trek (TNG, baby!), and Saturday morning cartoons. I learned from all that fat makes you stupid, lazy, evil (many cartoon villains or their brain-dead sidekicks were fat, the hero/ine never was; none of the crew of Star Trek TNG were fat, and the women especially not so). So how was any of that inherent, exactly?

    I loved the fat people in my life, and didn’t see them as “fat” until it was pointed out to me, as I grew up. How is that inherent?

    As for the porn, I don’t mind it so much, though porn cartoonizes the culturally acceptable body so you have oodles of straight-haired, blonde, white, big-lipped, bony-armed, huge-breasted, tiny-waisted women and barely anyone else. Porn’s idea of body diversity is to throw a redhead in there once in a while. Hmmph! lol

  8. phledge says:

    Y’know, the concept (and occasionally the execution) of pornography doesn’t bother me at all; I like to look at that sort of thing. What pisses me off is the way its producers limit our idea about what is sexy (looks, noises, acts), what deserves sexual attention, what women should look like, and, as an example of how TP hurts teh boys, how men should perform.

    I will leave the “inherently attractive” post to someone more clever and with more free time than myself. And shame on you for drawing my attention away from my studies! ;)

  9. Bee says:

    Star Trek: TNG? Woot! :o)

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