Good Foods and Bad Foods – NuVal has Arrived

h/t to blablover5 at Introverted Wife!

Lock up your low-self-esteemed daughters, folks — the NuVal food valuation system has hit some grocery stores.

The NuVal system scores foods from 0 to 100, with 0 being “omgbad4u!” and 100 being “suprhelthy!” How does it work? Do they use a proven equation of inherent nutrition for optimum human well-being, rigorously tested over generations and conclusively shown to be true?

A: The following nutrients and nutrition factors are used in determining a food’s NuVal™ Score

  • Nutrients considered to have generally favorable effects on health:
    • Fiber
    • Folate
    • Vitamin A
    • Vitamin C
    • Vitamin D
    • Vitamin E
    • Vitamin B12
    • Vitamin B6
    • Potassium
    • Calcium
    • Zinc
    • Omega-3 fatty acids
    • Total bioflavanoids
    • Total carotenoids
    • Magnesium
    • Iron
  • Nutrients with generally unfavorable effects on health
    • Saturated fat
    • Trans fat
    • Sodium
    • Sugar
    • Cholesterol
  • Additional entries
    • Protein quality
    • Fat quality
    • Glycemic load
    • Energy density

Oooo, salt sugar trans fat bad (forget that sugar is the fundamental unit of energy, and that salt is a necessary, healthy regulator of blood pressure, one that my own cardiologist has prescribed I ingest). Folate good! Mmmm, folate!

Here are some pictures of it in action (check out the NuVal numbers at the bottom left of the price):

Onions are a 93 - so if I eat these all day, Ill be at optimum health? I mean, why eat lower scoring foods when youve got the win right there?

Onions are a 93 - so if I eat these all day, I'll be at optimum health? I mean, why eat lower scoring foods when you've got the win right there?

And sometimes similar foods can have wildly different scores, simply due to a bit of that horrible, awful, diabetes-causing supertoxin (but necessary for life), SUGAR!!

Del Monte Golden Corn - 91, gooooood!

Del Monte Golden Corn - 91, gooooood!

Sweet Whole Kernel Corn, 46, baaaaaad!

Sweet Whole Kernel Corn, 46, baaaaaad!

Quite predictably, sugar is indeed the main “bad weight” on the scores, pulling nutritious breakfasts everywhere down into the toilet:

Maple sugar-flavored instant oatmeal, 10, baaaaad! Toxic! Ruuuun!

Maple sugar-flavored instant oatmeal, 10, baaaaad! Toxic! Ruuuun!

How do those wise sages at NuVal tell what nutrients will make you fat unhealthy, or what nutrients will make you thin healthy?

Q: How did you determine what nutrients to use?
A: Nutrients for inclusion in the NuVal™ Nutritional Scoring System were selected based on their established relevance to public health as reported and published by the scientific community. For more detailed information on the inclusion of each nutrient, and a bibliography of sources upon which each decision was based, please contact us at experts@NuVal.com.

Oh, “established relevance to public health!” Convincing! What, there aren’t any foods that have been shown to have an effect on “public health,” because public health necessarily deals in communicable diseases and not lifestyle and fat monitoring? Oh yes, and can someone please email them for that bibliography? I’m loathe to bloat up my mailbox with stuff from the “experts” at NuVal.

Oh yes, and just to mention — Meme Roth would probably be a member of the “scientific community” because she runs an anti-obesity pro-health foundation, right?

Here’s some more image goodness.

Don’t bother eating *any* chips, fatty — those carbs and salt make Doritos and Baked Lays just as bad:

Doritos - at a 23, at least theyre healthier than instant oatmeal, right?

Doritos - at a 23, at least they're healthier than instant oatmeal, right?

Baked Lays, 24 - stop snacking on carbs, fatty, and fill up on onions!

Baked Lays, 24 - stop snacking on carbs, fatty, and fill up on onions!

And just when you thought snack foods were bad enough, I bring you the antichrist of snack foods, the evil filler of arteries, the demon Fat himself, scoring only 2 — PRETZEL BUTTER BRAIDS!

Scienteriffic rayting sistem: butter in the title is ottomatic FAIL!

Scienteriffic rayting sistem: "butter" in the title is ottomatic FAIL!

And don’t think any type of food can be healthy, either. Here’s their scienterrific nutritional food ranges grouped by food type:

Scores range from 24 to 100

Scores range from 24 to 53

Scores range from 36 to 87

Scores range from 23 to 100

Scores range from 3 to 100

Scores range from 1 to 52

Scores range from 4 to 100

Scores range from 1 to 40

Scores range from 2 to 87

Scores range from 11 to 91

So eat your veggies, fruits, and whole grains, folks! Not even a damned dried-out, stringy piece of white turkey breast meat is as healthy as chomping on an onion. Meat ranges the third lowest, and cookies — gasp, demon cookies — range the very lowest.

I’ve figured it out — the skinniest healthiest way to be is to ride out, find a local farm, bend over, and start chewing. Do I get 100?

The whole NuVal site is an exercise in baloney. Everything they say to be “true,” “associated with,” “correlated with,” “good for,” “bad for,” etc has, in fact, not been rigorously and generally shown to be “true,” “associated with,” “correlated with,” “good for,” “bad for.” While the average person is fine with a normal amount of salt, for instance, my optimum health calls for more than a normal amount of salt.

I’ll leave you with a few more pictures.

The divide between 1% and skim milk is wide:

Gasp, a 78! Maybe I should toss some cut-up onions in there...

Gasp, a 78! Maybe I should toss some cut-up onions in there...

Forget onions! Ill live on my PERFECTLY HEALTHY skim milk all day! And Ill give it to my children and my baby and my grandmother, too, because 100 means 100 for *everyone*, right?

Forget onions! I'll live on my PERFECTLY HEALTHY skim milk all day! And I'll give it to my children and my baby and my grandmother, too, because 100 means 100 for *everyone*, right?

Don’t worry, folks. If this isn’t enough entertainment for you, the NuVal system will likely be hitting your store shelves very soon, right before it’s government mandated. Oh, brave new world!

About these ads

6 comments on “Good Foods and Bad Foods – NuVal has Arrived

  1. blablover5 says:

    You know what’s even funnier since peaches were rated a 99, it’s blatantly obvious that they are using just nutritional labels and not actually chemically deconstructing fresh fruit and vegetables because there’s no way fresh peaches have no sugar.

    Even those handful of “good” things are incredibly arbitrary, they haven’t marked meat yet but I’ll bet my left leg that chicken will be rated higher than red meat even though contrary to all those chicken ads it’s about the same amount of saturated fat.

  2. richie79 says:

    This is even more idiotic than the ‘traffic light’ system of good, OK and BAAAD! foods our Government has been trying to impose on us (thus far, the industry has resisted, preferring to have a little panel with guideline daily amounts of the five ‘evil’ ingredients – saturated and unsaturated fat, sugar, salt and calories – expressed as percentages).

    As someone who has no interest whatsoever in food labelling (and who remains unaffected by the myriad attempts to use them to induce guilt over the consumption of a perfectly legal product) I pay them no attention whatsoever. However I can’t help but wonder if these attempts to convert their ideas of food morality into a simplistic numerical scale are intended to help facilitate the eventual, inevitable plan to monitor and record our food purchases for Goodness-knows-what purposes.

  3. vesta44 says:

    I blogged about this a couple of weeks ago. Someone on one of the diabetes groups I belong to was talking about this and how helpful it would be for a diabetic diet. I wrote back and told them it wasn’t any more helpful for ANY kind of diet than reading the nutrition label. At least if you read the nutrition label, you know how many carbs are in a food, where this NuVal shit doesn’t give you any idea of that. And as far as salt, fat, and sugar being bad for you, that’s another crock of shit. Those are all found in non-processed foods, to one degree or another. This is just another way of pushing fresh fruits and veggies over processed foods, and not taking into consideration that not everyone can afford to buy nothing but fresh fruits and vegetables, never mind having the time to prepare them yourself before you eat them (unless, of course, we’re supposed to eat all of them uncooked). Cutting back on salt does absolutely nothing for lowering blood pressure, contrary to popular opinion (Sandy at Junkfood Science has a really good post on this). Fats are necessary in order to absorb the vitamins in your veggies, and fruits are full of natural sugars. So, it seems to me, everything they are trying to say is bad for our health is really what makes food taste good, and is necessary to our health (unless you’re fat, then you shouldn’t be eating anything at all until you get healthy[read thin]).

  4. welshwmn3 says:

    NO! Don’t drink the milk (not even the skim/no flavor milk)… Don’t you remember from that sound bite on a morning talk show last year? It’s a “white food” and “white foods” are to be avoided at all costs, because they are teh ebiiiil! Yes, all white foods (so milk, cauliflower, white cheese, etc) are teh ebiiiil and will make you get teh obesity!

    Oy.

  5. Fatadelic says:

    I love how the NuVal marketing website praises Dr Katz as a “visionary” for his one size fits all interpretation of nutrition.

    Also, anyone notice how “NuVal” is very much Newspeak? Big Brother is watching you – don’t you dare select food with a low NuVal number.

  6. goodbyemyboy says:

    Of course things like flavor aren’t important. Skim milk tastes like watered-down ass, but all fat is bad so you’ll drink your skim milk and you’ll like it!

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s