h/t to blablover5 at Introverted Wife!
Lock up your low-self-esteemed daughters, folks — the NuVal food valuation system has hit some grocery stores.
The NuVal system scores foods from 0 to 100, with 0 being “omgbad4u!” and 100 being “suprhelthy!” How does it work? Do they use a proven equation of inherent nutrition for optimum human well-being, rigorously tested over generations and conclusively shown to be true?
A: The following nutrients and nutrition factors are used in determining a food’s NuVal™ Score
- Nutrients considered to have generally favorable effects on health:
- Vitamin A
- Vitamin C
- Vitamin D
- Vitamin E
- Vitamin B12
- Vitamin B6
- Omega-3 fatty acids
- Total bioflavanoids
- Total carotenoids
- Nutrients with generally unfavorable effects on health
- Saturated fat
- Trans fat
- Additional entries
- Protein quality
- Fat quality
- Glycemic load
- Energy density
Oooo, salt sugar trans fat bad (forget that sugar is the fundamental unit of energy, and that salt is a necessary, healthy regulator of blood pressure, one that my own cardiologist has prescribed I ingest). Folate good! Mmmm, folate!
Here are some pictures of it in action (check out the NuVal numbers at the bottom left of the price):
And sometimes similar foods can have wildly different scores, simply due to a bit of that horrible, awful, diabetes-causing supertoxin (but necessary for life), SUGAR!!
Quite predictably, sugar is indeed the main “bad weight” on the scores, pulling nutritious breakfasts everywhere down into the toilet:
How do those wise sages at NuVal tell what nutrients will make you fat unhealthy, or what nutrients will make you thin healthy?
Q: How did you determine what nutrients to use?
A: Nutrients for inclusion in the NuVal™ Nutritional Scoring System were selected based on their established relevance to public health as reported and published by the scientific community. For more detailed information on the inclusion of each nutrient, and a bibliography of sources upon which each decision was based, please contact us at experts@NuVal.com.
Oh, “established relevance to public health!” Convincing! What, there aren’t any foods that have been shown to have an effect on “public health,” because public health necessarily deals in communicable diseases and not lifestyle and fat monitoring? Oh yes, and can someone please email them for that bibliography? I’m loathe to bloat up my mailbox with stuff from the “experts” at NuVal.
Oh yes, and just to mention — Meme Roth would probably be a member of the “scientific community” because she runs an anti-obesity pro-health foundation, right?
Here’s some more image goodness.
Don’t bother eating *any* chips, fatty — those carbs and salt make Doritos and Baked Lays just as bad:
And just when you thought snack foods were bad enough, I bring you the antichrist of snack foods, the evil filler of arteries, the demon Fat himself, scoring only 2 — PRETZEL BUTTER BRAIDS!
And don’t think any type of food can be healthy, either. Here’s their scienterrific nutritional food ranges grouped by food type:
Scores range from 24 to 100
Scores range from 24 to 53
Scores range from 36 to 87
Scores range from 23 to 100
Scores range from 3 to 100
Scores range from 1 to 52
Scores range from 4 to 100
Scores range from 1 to 40
Scores range from 2 to 87
Scores range from 11 to 91
So eat your veggies, fruits, and whole grains, folks! Not even a damned dried-out, stringy piece of white turkey breast meat is as healthy as chomping on an onion. Meat ranges the third lowest, and cookies — gasp, demon cookies — range the very lowest.
I’ve figured it out — the skinniest healthiest way to be is to ride out, find a local farm, bend over, and start chewing. Do I get 100?
The whole NuVal site is an exercise in baloney. Everything they say to be “true,” “associated with,” “correlated with,” “good for,” “bad for,” etc has, in fact, not been rigorously and generally shown to be “true,” “associated with,” “correlated with,” “good for,” “bad for.” While the average person is fine with a normal amount of salt, for instance, my optimum health calls for more than a normal amount of salt.
I’ll leave you with a few more pictures.
The divide between 1% and skim milk is wide:
Don’t worry, folks. If this isn’t enough entertainment for you, the NuVal system will likely be hitting your store shelves very soon, right before it’s government mandated. Oh, brave new world!