How To Be a Fat Novelist

Hi folks! I’ve been neglecting this blog of late due to exciting indications that my writing career is starting to gain some traction. Currently I’m in the midst of revising one novel and writing the next. With 100+ hours split between my day job and my (as yet) unpaid writing job, I don’t have much time to post. But never fear, I’m still here doing big fat things and thinking big fat thoughts. To prove it, I’ve made this little list for aspiring fat novelists.

HOW TO BE A FAT NOVELIST – 5 EASY TIPS!

  1. Put down the two whole cheesecakes. You can’t write with cheesy fingertips. I suggest getting those Philadelphia cheesecake poppawhoozits, much cleaner.
  2. Tell the dude playing the tuba to stop following you around. He’s distracting your delicate muse.
  3. Hire an on-call repairman to fix all the desk chairs you break. While he’s there he can patch up the cracks in the floor from you walking to and from the refrigerator between paragraphs.
  4. In order to write a novel, you have to write. So training for the Two Whole Cakes,  Baby-Flavored Donuts, Live Deer, and Crisco Sandwich -eating competitions? Might need to be put on the back-burner for a while. Unless they’re research for your novel. Then go nuts. Salty, salty nuts.
  5. Have a sense of humor. Some things really are satirical. That goes for you skinnies, too. I’m watching you. I can’t see you all that well in the tall grass, but I’m watching you. Yeah, sure, it’s probably because I want to eat you, but HEY LOOK OVER THERE! Nom.
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